Today's adventure in the Biz Opp Jungle
'In which pays £40 to get pins shoved in his back... and goes on a rant about another flaky business opportunity'
Hi,
There's an angel hovering at the left hand side of my head.
She says: 'Your readers don't want to hear your latest moans and whines about your health. Get on with helping them make money.'
There is a devil at the right-hand side of my head, riding a tiny Harley Davidson.
He says: 'Ignore that silly cow. You got thousands of people to take your misery out on. Moan to them, my friend. Moan away!'
Considering the devil has the best tunes, I'd better stick with him. Unless I want to spend an eternity listening to Phil Collins.
So...
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My RSI hell
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If you're a long-term reader, you probably remember my adventures at PC World last summer, trying to find an ergonomic keyboard to ease the repetitive strain injury in my arms.
Well, despite my efforts, the condition got even worse.
So I went to a NHS physiotherapist. After measuring my wrist movements with a school protractor, he told me that all I had to do was some regular stretching exercises in my arms, and all would be well.
I've spent the last 6 months doing his funny little movements every half an hour... twisting my arms into swan shapes... shimmying round my office like an ancient Egyptian... stretching my tendons to breaking point.
It's done me no good whatsoever.
Fearing that I'd have to give up working from a computer forever - (THE END OF MY BIZ OPP CAREER!) - I decided to visit a private physiotherapist... a haughty, no-nonsense woman with a faint moustache and perfect posture.
She told me that it's actually a BACK problem and nothing to do with my arms.
'Lie face down,' she barked and thrust my face through a slit in the bench. 'I'm going to give you acupuncture.'
Oh, good, I thought. That's the one where beautiful nymphs calmly massage your back with warm towels-
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OH MY GOD! SHE'S STICKING PINS IN ME!
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'Just relax and empty your mind,' she said and left the room.
It's not easy to empty your mind when you've got your face shoved in a hole... pins stuck in your back, neck and arms... and the sound of road works and a distant fist fight drifting in through the window.
Mind you, for her it's not a bad way to earn £40.
After 15 minutes she came back.
She made me stand up and do a semi-naked stretching dance for her, (I suspect it was nothing to do with physiotherapy), and forced me to buy an orthopaedic pillow.
This 'pillow' looks like a white brick. Smells like a hospital. And its special NASA memory foam makes me feel like I'm on the space shuttle every night.
I'm going back to see her tomorrow. But I imagine that when I arrive there will be no sign of the clinic.
Only a derelict building.
'There 'aint been nobody on these premises for years,' an old bloke in a rocking chair will tell me.
Pesky psychedelic drugs.
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The upshot is, I'm in a buying frenzy
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Now I've realised the source of the problem, I've gone on an RSI-based buying spree.
In the past week I've bought a back massager machine, a book on the subject, and a voice activation software programme.
This means that I can SPEAK my Biz Opp Jungle emails into my computer, and it will transcribe it.
I even put on my Madonna-style headset this morning and began this very email by speaking it.
After it took an hour to write the first paragraphs in compete and utter gobbledegook, I removed the headset...
...Screamed, 'YOU F-ING *!$%%*!$^?!!'
...Threw the headset at the wall...
...Took a deep breath...
And started typing.
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Why you should ignore 'Earn Cash At Home'
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You may have come across a biz opp called 'Earn Cash at Home' or 'Get Rich at Home'.
http://www.earncashathome.co.uk
They're actually both the same biz opp, which makes me wonder why someone has had to rename it.
Doesn't matter anyway, because this has got DODGY written all over it, in my opinion. No, it's not a scam, but I'll tell you why I'd avoid it...
First off, it says 'award winning entrepreneur' but doesn't say who it is, what award he won, or who awarded it to him.
Digging around, I've found out It's actually a Mr D Burch. (Yes, the FAMOUS award winning Mr D Burch... er, not.)
He says he has 4 proven moneymaking plans, but offers no proof. No details. Not even a clue. He also says you're going to make £6,000 a week within 60 days. Then later he says it's £10,000 a week.
He should probably make his mind up.
Oh, no, hold on. He can't...
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Because he's making it all up in his head
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Our award-winning entrepreneur then says it's a GUARANTEED OPPORTUNITY. Which, if you think about it, means absolutely nothing.
You'll also notice that there's a subhead that reads: 'Full Money-Back Guarantee.'
Except that he doesn't explain any details about this underneath the headline.
So I can pretty much GUARANTEE you WON'T GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
What you'll get is 4 word documents with some flimsy web marketing advice. Because there's no way that £37 is going to get you the secrets of making - as he puts it - '£470,706.10 in 365 days.'
I laughed out loud when I saw the ten pence at the end of his estimate. Yes, you too can make half a million pounds and... wait for it... that all-important TEN PENCE.
Good that he's so specific about the exact sum of money you could make... IN YOUR MIND.
In short, I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole, or any other kind of pole for that matter.
And with that, I'll leave you to enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Later alligator
Charlie Wright
The Biz Opp Jungle